Be boldly and unashamedly proud of yourself. I am.
There is a past self from my twenties who was bereft, utterly lost, and couldn’t settle, who is now so proud of the strength, tenacity, willpower, and courage I managed to yank out of the void as I entered my thirties. I used these qualities to completely turn my life around, in the form of two degrees, a career I loved, and keeping my body and mind fit and healthy.
And now there’s a past self from my thirties who is so proud of how I’ve further used those qualities to breed resilience, understanding, empathy, compassion, self-care – and a shitload of love in my forties, as I deal with the loss of my career and previously healthy self, whilst navigating family life with a crippling chronic illness.
My life has never turned out the way I expected, from one decade to the next. There’s been highs and lows, successes and failures – and a truck-load of joy and sadness in between. And although I have learned a lot along the way, the main thing I’ve learned is – I still have a lot to learn.
I’m only 43 (clearly a spring chicken!), and I feel certain there will be continued major changes on the horizon for my future self.
… I just don’t know what they are yet.
But whether or not I like those changes – it’ll be okay. Because no matter what happens, I know I will always try my best and have my back. That regardless of whether I wildly succeed in life, or fall face-first into a steaming pile of dog turd as I trip over my shoe laces for the third time that day – when my future self looks back at me now … she’ll see I’m still so very proud of her. And I always will be.
Over to you lovely peeps. Is your past self proud of you? How about your future self – do they get a high-five?
I’d like to be able to go out alone without worrying that a DWP spy will see me and assume all is well as I’m not in a wheelchair and I’m able to make a short trip that day!
Oh wow I definitely know that feeling, and I reckon there are loads more of us out there who can relate too. Ridiculous, the fear we’re forced to live in when we’re doing nothing wrong!
I’d also like to take the kids abroad! Go to Shetland for a while! Walk like a loon like I used to be able to till the kids tell me to slow down mum! I’d like to know a date for when this ends and be able to make plans to do things, or just a thing, and stick to it! I’d like to be able to walk to the shop, do the things, maybe sit for a cuppa n a chat and get back with a shit ton of energy to do the other things and make a lovely dinner for the kids then drink a v large glass of wine and chill and wake up the next day without feeling like I’ve been hit by a car. (I can say that from experience btw. It bloody hurts!) xx
I hope soooo much, that one day you will get to do all of those things. This is such a shitty life-and-soul-destroying disease, that is so poorly understood. Just keep doing your best to get through one hour at a time. That’s what I did when I was severe and mostly spending my days staring at the wall or out the window. And try not to lose hope. M.E is a bit of a head fuck in the sense that people can be housebound and so very poorly for years, and then randomly slowly start to see little improvements. I know it doesn’t happen like that for everyone, but I’m keeping everything crossed it happens for you. Even after all my improvements, I can still very much relate to what you’ve said in terms of wanting to do the things – and then STILL have a tonne of energy left afterwards to do the rest of the things like making a lovely dinner (and I’m always dreaming about wine lol) – and then waking up the next day feeling fresh as a daisy. Ahhh, we can dream xx