If M.E has taught me anything, it’s that time is not a given.
Not because anyone is dying, but because the unpredictable and fluctuating nature of M.E means I never know if I will be well enough to do the same things with O in future years, as I can now. Like going on the Santa Train.
I don’t know how many years I’ll have of O believing in Santa; but what I do know is … it’s not enough.
I couldn’t have predicted getting Severe M.E the first time around – which robbed me of three years of my life. And I can’t predict how long the improvements to my health over the last few years will last.
And that scares the shit out of me.
Fear of relapse. It’s a tricky one to manage. On the one hand, fear of relapse is what drives me to be really careful not to push my body too hard. Yet, on the other hand, fear of relapse is EXACTLY what pushes me to squeeze every drop out of life that I possibly can – while I still can … just in case I can’t in future.
I know the latter is unwise, as that’s precisely the sort of behaviour that could lead to a relapse. But seriously, do I want to look back on my life from my death bed and know I only lived a half-life, and only experienced half the things I wanted to, for fear of a relapse?
No, I don’t.
But on the flip side, do I want to look back on my life and wish I HAD led a half-life, because that would have been more life than I ended up with, as a result of pushing myself too hard and relapsing?
Do I wish I could see into the future, so I could make better decisions now?
So, I guess what I’m saying is … I’d like a crystal ball for Christmas please. Ho ho ho.
Large image: O gazing up at Santa. On the Santa Train. That I blatantly wasn’t well enough to go on, but pushed myself to anyway, in case I can’t in future. Because, I wanted to experience the magic of Christmas through O’s eyes; something precious that I will commit to memory for life.
… Unlike my horrific M.E flare up afterwards that nearly had me vomiting in the car, and bedridden upon arriving home; an experience I plan to most definitely erase from memory like a fucking etch-a-sketch.