Him: You’re here so regularly! (Slight exaggeration on his part, it’s only once a week – if I’m lucky). And always working hard! What are you studying?
Me: (What I should say) … ‘Oh, I’m not studying or working hard in that sense; this is me looking after myself. I like to write.’
I mean, why wouldn’t I say that? After all, we all have our ‘thing’ that helps keep our nervous system in check and our sanity on the straight and narrow – and mine is writing. (Well, if I’m being totally honest, writing and wine. Bonus points if I get to do both at the same time.)
I guess a part of me feels reluctant to tell him I write, in case he asks what I write about. I feel like I want to keep the chronic illness side of my life to myself in this nice little restaurant, where people assume I’m healthy and apparently, hard working. Because sometimes, it’s just nice when people don’t know what’s going on underneath the healthy-looking surface. When they don’t see my heart pounding. Or the warning lights in my brain telling me I need to sit down asap as my blood pools in my feet and struggles to make its way back up to my organs. Or my fatigue as I wonder if this was really a good idea and how badly will I pay for it tomorrow. Ignorance really is bliss at times.
Plus, the thought of a conversation with this stranger about my chronic illness feels a little over-familiar to me, and is likely to end in a whole world of oversharing on my part. Next thing I know, I’ll be telling him about how I can’t jump on trampolines anymore without pissing my pants, ever since giving birth (Tena Lady, anyone?!). So, I choose to keep it to myself.
Nonetheless, in the absence of telling him I like to write, I COULD at least promote the idea of taking time out for some well-deserved quiet, self-care and general ‘me time’. But I don’t.
Instead …
Me: (What I actually say) … ‘Oh, I’m not studying. I just like to take a break from my family, get some peace and a glass of wine.’
Because apparently, it’s better for him to think I’m a wine loving family hater, than the loving mother and partner I am who also just happens to value self-care. Oops!
