Now you see ME …
… now you don’t.
No-one knows gratitude quite like a person who has been lucky enough to claw their way back up to Mild ME after years of being housebound and/or bedridden with Severe ME.
But here’s the thing:
When you look at me now, you no longer see ME. You see me running around doing all the ‘things’, but you no longer see me struggling on the inside while I do them … or for hours and/or days after finishing. Thankfully, I struggle to a much lesser degree than I used to. But out of sight doesn’t mean out of body.
Seven years on, my chronic illness has never been more invisible to you. Which is sort of good, and sort of … umm … not.
It’s a conundrum. I don’t want you to see ME. And hooray … you don’t. But what you do see isn’t a true reflection of me either. You think my plate looks fine, and managing it is no big deal. This is because you see a regular plate and a regular person. You don’t see all the irregular stuff overflowing my plate and making an absolute mess of my irregular body.
It’s not your fault. My irregularities are very well hidden nowadays.
You used to see ME.
Now, you just see me.
It’s all I ever wanted.
Except … it’s not just me anymore.
I wish it WAS just me. God I wish it so badly. But it’s not and never will be again. You see, it will always be both of us: me and ME. We come as a package now. Like conjoined twins.
… Ya know. In a world where one twin would like a little privacy, whilst the other is always there, hoping to fuck up your sex life.
If you don’t see ME, then you don’t see me either. Not fully.
Regardless of how my plate appears, I can assure you, it has never been fuller.
And if it overflows too much, my fear is that you will suddenly see ME again … while the real me disappears. Slowly. This time, forever.
The thing with ME is, relapse is common and baseline recovery is never guaranteed. And I don’t think either of us are ready to lose me again.
You will never see how full my plate really is. So no matter how empty it looks … please make it emptier. Make room for all that you cannot see.
Trust in me.
Help me to manage ME.
… Because honestly, that twin is a fucking bell-end.
