It’s that time of year again. And I don’t mean Chris Rea starting his drive home for Christmas at the stroke of midnight on Halloween, Ho-Ho-Ho.
No, what I mean is: every October my ME gets a little worse and I start wracking my brain to figure out:
1. What did I do ‘wrong’?
2. What has happened lately that was ‘too much’ for me?
3. When did I ‘push myself’ harder than I should?
Because of course, my first instinct is to blame myself. I mean seriously, wtf is that about? It’s not MY fault I have M.E (although some days I may also question the truth in that – idiot that I am), and it’s definitely not my fault if trying to live as close to a ‘normal’ life ends up making it worse.
Still, M.E does SUCH a fabulous job of making ourselves – (and sometimes others) – bonafide experts in ‘patient-blaming’. Despite a wealth of research demonstrating the biological nature of M.E – the lack of diagnostic test or treatments, medical neglect, and decades of stigma suggesting this illness is ‘all in the mind’ … makes it so easy to feel like maybe we’ve somehow brought our suffering on ourselves.
Meanwhile, M.E just sits in the corner of the room, guilty as sin, doubled over and clutching its belly, laughing SO hard at us, tears streaming down its ugly little face, because it’s so fucking hilarious to watch us all play the blame game – with the finger often pointed directly at the sick person.
I feel like my life is no busier in October than any other month of the year. So, why the annual deterioration? Is it the colder weather? It makes no sense to me why the change in season should impact my M.E. Yet, it seems to be the only explanation.
I hate that I always get worse in winter, because I feel like people will think it’s a mood thing, rather than a physical thing. When in reality, I will happily go stomping around in the pissing rain or snow if I have the energy. I’ve never let ice-cold toes and frizzy ‘hat hair’ stop me from jumping in muddy puddles with my son, throwing autumn leaves around that dogs have probably pissed on, or lobbing snow balls at Pete. There’s just as much fun to be had in the colder months as the warm ones.
So, who knows. Thankfully, I can generally still get out and do fun stuff in winter – it’s just harder, and takes more preparation and recovery time.
And, as I have to remind myself each year … that’s okay.
How does the weather impact your M.E?
Hi Emma,
Im guessing many will relate (as always with your blog).
My daughter, E, has bit her Nov crash. I always blame her Halloween enthusiasm. Shame on me. Tho it is def a big part cos she is all things Halloween (it’s her Xmas!) it starts a month before with planning, crafting, sewing her costume. Culminating in her hosting a party for friends rarely seen. So baking, cocktail making, house decorating and the 3-4 hr party itself. No wonder she’s dead right? Too f***ing right. Though I’ve never considered the other factors of time of year and not just in a mood way. So thank you for reminding an ever nagging mum that it’s not all about over doing, and why shouldn’t she want to live to the max sometimes.
Hi Teresa
I’m sure you’re right that the month-long planning for – and then the Halloween party itself – will definitely play a big role in your daughter’s November crash. But what she experiences after Halloween is no different to what most of us with M.E experience over the Xmas period. I always push and push in December, and then I’m crashing hard by New Year (I didn’t even make it that far last year – I started crashing on Xmas day!). Yet, I continue to do it every year – because doing all the things and going to all the places over Xmas is important to me. And it sounds like doing all the planning, crafting, sewing etc for Halloween is equally as important to E – especially if this pushing and crashing is an annual occurrence.
BUT … I’m so glad you recognise that our crashes aren’t ALL about the over-enthusiasm. Since writing this post, I’ve had numerous comments on social media from the ME community telling me that what I (and E by the sounds of it) are experiencing is an actual ‘thing’ in the chronic illness community called the ‘Autumn Slide’ (or ‘October Slide’). It seems that me and E are far from alone in our annual autumn deterioration; most people with M.E experience a ‘dip’ around this time of year it turns out. I had no idea! I thought I was the only one who gets worse and doesn’t pick back up again until March. But nope – definitely not alone! This is what I love about our community. Even after being ill for 6.5 years, I’m still learning new stuff about this condition.
I totally understand why you feel like a nagging mum sometimes. I’m pretty sure my own mum feels like that occasionally when she’s telling me not to overdo it. And the truth is – E needs to hear it from you, just like I need to hear it from my own mum. We might not always like it … but for me at least, it helps to keep me grounded and make me stop occasionally to question whether I really should do a ‘thing’ or not. Of course, I will usually still go ahead and do the ‘thing’ lol – because like you also say, why shouldn’t we want to live life to the max sometimes? But still, it’s nice to always have that maternal ‘voice of reason’ lurking in the background!
I hope E starts to pick up again soon. And I hope she had a fantastic time at her party!