I fucked up. And that’s okay.

I went to the gym when I probably shouldn’t have done this morning. And now I can’t get up. My health hasn’t fully recovered from my ME crash 2 weeks ago. I’ve been doing much better – but I’m not back to my version of ‘normal’ yet. So, what was I thinking?! Why did I do it?

Because, when my ME is genuinely flaring up – I sometimes doubt my reality and the severity of my symptoms, and consequently – I make unwise choices. As such, I decided this morning that maybe it’s just regular tiredness and that I should ‘push through.’

If I’m being honest, I made that judgment because I wanted to hop on a treadmill and see if my knees and ankles have settled down after all their recent swellings. That, and because I’ve had 2 weeks of resting since my crash and I’m bored of waiting to feel ‘myself’ again.

I know; I should be grateful I can even get out of bed, let alone walk. And it takes a special kind of fool to try and run. But the thing is, I AM grateful. Grateful for the improvements in my health, obviously … but also grateful that I don’t let fear dictate my life.

Living with ME/POTS is a constant ‘risk assessment’. Having improved dramatically since my Severe ME days, I try to live and appreciate life as fully as possible – within my many limitations. However, every single thing I do involves careful consideration and judgment calls; ie., deciding if it’s wise to do a ‘thing’ or if I should rest. The constant uncertainty over what my health can and cannot handle on any given day is annoying as fuck – and sometimes, I make the wrong decision. However, if I let the fear of getting things wrong stop me from ever trying, then I wouldn’t have discovered all the things I AM finally able to do again, and am eternally grateful for.

It’s a constant balancing act.

I’m not going to berate myself over getting it wrong today, because the last thing my body needs is negative self-talk. To be honest, this body did a great job on the treadmill this morning, and I’m proud. But what it needs now is rest, self-kindness … and an apology. I should have listened when my body asked for more rest. I am listening now.

Thankfully I HAVE been able to get up again – and I will show my gratitude by lying back down.