I’ve been struggling lately.
I just feel so overwhelmed with trying to navigate life and the ‘mental load’, when my physical health has been trapped in the u-bend that separates wellness and umm … shit.
Projects. Hygiene. Chores. Emails. Texts. Parenting. Friend-ing. Wife-ing. Life-ing.
It’s a lot. (Or at least, it’s a lot when you’re chronically ill.)
And the remembering. God, I have to remember fucking every-thing: birthdays, parents evening, bringing non-perishable foods to school, bringing money for charity to school, dress down day, find lost clothing at school, deal with friendship fallouts at school, throw glitter all over school walls for fun whilst simultaneously shitting every last penny we have all over the playground (me, exaggerate? Never!)
… All normal life for most people. Most people that is, without ME/POTS turning their brain into utter foggy mush and weighing their body down like ten tonne bricks, whilst kicking them until they feel nauseous.
As well as feeling physically crap, I’ve also never felt more overwhelmed, over-stimulated, exhausted and responsible for keeping the ‘mental load’ side of this ship afloat. But like, from underneath the ship. With my bare hands. In the water. Kicking my legs like my life depends on it. With a jellyfish stuck to my face and kids constantly sniffing around, asking, “when’s dinner?!”
I’ve been crawling towards my pillow at every opportunity because my chronically ill body can’t take the pressure. Winter germs and a side order of Covid has made my ME/POTS flare ups worse than normal, and kept me housebound a lot lately. Such fun! Not.
Anyhoooo – I FINALLY felt well enough to take myself out recently. Hooray!! But like, actually out. Not ‘pretend out’ (for more info on ‘Going Pretend Out’, see https://chronicallycraptastic.com/pretend-going-out/). It had been at least a month since I was last well enough to do this.
It was SO good. I went for a gentle walk along the canal, enjoying the fresh air and beauty of the surrounding countryside along the way. Then, I went to the nice Italian restaurant I go to for my weekly ‘me time’ and a glass of wine when I feel well enough. Except on this night, I decided to treat myself to dinner as well. Spaghetti carbonara, followed by brownies and ice cream, washed down with 2 large glasses of wine.
And, fuck me, it was soooo good.
I don’t even know the last time I took myself out for dinner. It was very liberating. But largely, the change of scenery, space for my brain to rest, and time to just ‘be’, without anyone constantly wanting something from me, is what I needed most.
We all need a dinner date sometimes.
But like … with ourselves.
Honestly, the company was great. We had a blast. I mean, it’s too late for me now, but I totally get why some people decide to marry themselves.
