Ever wondered what the best weapon would be for beating yourself round the head?
… Yeah, me neither.
Yet recently, I found out.
There’s been some huge (but wonderful) changes at home over the last 6 weeks. Overall, I’ve been coping really well – considering:
a) I need to be emotionally, cognitively and physically available and able to listen and respond appropriately from the second I wake up every morning until the second my head hits the pillow at bedtime. Not easy with ME/POTS and the toll it takes on my body and brain.
b) I’m not getting enough rest, and changing this is still a work in progress.
c) I’m not getting enough ‘me time’ to do stuff I enjoy.
d) I’m not getting enough quality time with Pete.
e) I’m stressed at not having enough time and energy to organise our fast-approaching wedding.
f) I’ve been a crap friend and daughter because of all of the above.
g) My health could destroy everything in an instant, if I don’t find a balance ASAP.
So yeah. Apart from fluctuations in my health and increased stress, I thought I was doing okay … all things considered.
Or at least, I did until some twat told me I’m failing. That I can’t do anything right at the moment. I need to do better.
That made me cry. Rather a lot actually. Because I’m trying my absolute best over here.
And anyway, who the fuck SAYS that to someone?!
… Well, umm, allow me to just hang my head in shame a second while I raise my hand. Because … it was me.
Why on earth I started beating myself round the head with a truncheon of cold hard criticism, is completely beyond me. This is NOT how I roll. I’m meant to be my biggest champion and beholder of self-kindness. NOT some self-deprecating twat.
Thankfully, I only let myself get away with it for a day. That was plenty long enough. Then, I pulled on my Big Girl pants and told that version of myself to fuck right off. And it’s safe to say, she won’t be coming back.
Criticism from others sure hurts a lot if it’s not constructive. But not half as much as it hurts when served completely unnecessarily from none other than … yourself.
So, do the right thing folks; banish your inner twat, and always be kind to yourselves.
