“Here comes the sun, doo, doo, doo, doo …” I turn to Pete, ‘I like this song – it’s nice.’
Pete nods: ‘the words do seem rather appropriate.’
We’re choosing our wedding song; the one we’ll walk back down the aisle together to.
“Little darling, it’s been a long, cold, lonely winter …” Suddenly, I’m back in bed at our old house. I’m alone, staring out the window at the brick wall of the house next door – the only view from this angle. I can’t get up, read a book, message anyone, watch TV, or be the partner Pete deserves. I’ve been missing from my life for over a year now. I eat the packed lunch Pete left on the bed for me before he went to work. A tear rolls down my cheek.
“Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting …” Another leap through time. It’s our very first time going for a walk together. O has been the giggly, smiley, dribbly owner of my heart for 18 whole months now. A pandemic is shrinking the world … but our world just got a whole lot bigger. Eeek!
“Here comes the sun …” Back in bed again. I miss feeling the warmth of the sun on my face. Summer is my favourite season and I’m missing it. A glorious day, Pete is outside lighting the BBQ and inflating the paddling pool for O. I lay here. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
“Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been here …” Now, I’m stood facing Pete, my hands in his. I see our life taken too soon; the dancing, exercising, cooking, chatting, laughing – replaced by silence, worry, and care. My dependence. Pete’s exhaustion. My crippling guilt and sadness. The missing out. The overwhelming commitment.
… The love.
Then I see our current life; the one that manifested as my health gradually improved. Picnics, walks in the countryside, games with the kids, holding hands watching telly, breakfast out on the first Sunday of the month. The laughter and chatter returned. The pacing, resting, stress, and exhaustion remain. But it’s lighter; some days are fun-packed, some are mundane – and thanks to ME/POTS, some are a total write-off.
… But the love. The love is never written off.
“And I say, it’s alright …” As O – looking so cute in his matching suit with Pete’s – passes me the ring, he looks up at his Mummy and Daddy in wonderment. And I see it so clearly: us, our family, our life, a brighter future and renewed sense of hope. The Beatles might say ‘it’s alright’ – but stood here, my heart falling and bursting in my beautiful dress, I look into Pete’s eyes and say … ‘I do.’
Grinning, we walk down the aisle to our song. And for better or worse, we know – we’ve totally got this.
It’s our first wedding anniversary today. Happy anniversary Pete. I love you.
… It’s your turn to make the tea. 😜
