Why, after all these years do I STILL question my reality?!
It’s 4.30pm and I’m still in my pyjamas. Me and my son have had a day at home today, and although I could have made myself get dressed, I haven’t. That in itself is usually a sign that I’m having a bit of a flare up.
My partner and I have plans tonight. Babysitter is booked. And I’m lying on the bed with my body quietly saying, “please don’t go. I really don’t have the energy.”
Now, that should be enough, shouldn’t it? I should take my body’s word for it and cancel our plans. But for some reason, I spend ages procrastinating over whether I REALLY feel bad enough to cancel, and whether I’ll pick up if I do go.
Like, seriously. Did three years of Severe ME and POTS, being housebound, bedridden, unable to speak, unable to tolerate noise, needing an electric wheelchair and a stairlift … teach me nothing?!
I am SO lucky that my health has improved enough for making and cancelling plans to even be an option again. Yet, six years on, and I am STILL questioning my reality.
And the stupid thing is, I KNOW I must feel as crap as my body says I do. Because when I don’t feel this crap, I NEVER question my reality. I just think ‘hooray’ and go about my business, in full agreement with my body about what it can and cannot do that day. If anything, I probably do too much when I feel okay – which is what leads to days like today.
It is literally ONLY when I’m having an ME flare up, that I doubt myself. And after everything my body has been through … it deserves better.
I have done the right thing. Plans and babysitter are cancelled. Yet, the self-doubt continues to linger.
Does anyone else berate themselves like this?
